Sunday, September 25, 2005
visited my aunt at her new condo ydae to use d gym, pool n sauna.
when i saw how both my aunties' families were so close-knitted, sth crossed my mind.
wad abt their frens?
isit true of d saying tt goes sth lik frens come n go, but a family is for a lifetym?
my youngest aunt called me at 1am last nite to talk to me.
she had always doted on me lik how she dotes on her daughter since i was young.
she knew of d impending problems i'd faced and commented that she tot i was a 'poor lil gal'.
i was teary upon hearing tt.
she seemed to empathise n understood d kind of situation i was subjected to.
she advised me against putting too much trust in my frens.
she gave d example of my p4 cousin's 'best fren' badmouthing her.
she told me once i experience the working wurl, all dese wud be rampant.
she said b a fren to noone.
cos everyone's putting on an act.
my heart began to hurt after hearing tt.
probably bcos of my family background, i alw relate my joys n sorrows to my frens.
i love all my frens.
i wna bring joy to all of them.
all bcos i lack all dese from my family.
but is this reciprocated?
ppl i trust n love so much,
often end up hurting me d most.
X is a fren whom i regard s my bestie.
but sometyms d line bcums v v dubious.
i came to this sch cos of X, but X has alr made new frens n i was regarded s nth.
n so i choose to blif X stil tinks im important.
but somehow deep down i noe whr i stand s compared to X's new frens..
on tue X agreed to go out with me today.
that was 5 days ago.
ydae evening X replied a msg i sent X on fri.
n X asked wad we were doing.
when it was agreed upon!
initially we were supposed to go out on fri,
but i wasnt free.
den X wasnt free yday.
n i replied X last night asking the tym to mit.
i waited and waited and waited but got no reply.
jus den Y msged to ask me out.
but i cuden gif Y an answer.
n so i msged X again.
n X dint reply agn.
til dis morning my phone vibrated.
it was X.
X said "sorry i dint c yr msg last nite. anw i jus woke up. i tink u can go out with ur fren. n dun spend too much.
wth. how noble is tt.
when i already rejected Y for X.
and tts wad X is capable of doing.
i bet if it were some other frens,
X wuden b doing dis.
why?!?!
i detest this personality or isit character of X.
josephine told me sth along d lines tt personality is inborne but character is developed.
n this constitutes human traits.
so is tt d former or d latter?
in d end it spoilt my whole day.
if X didn't wna go out, X cud haf told me straight in d face.
i wuden bite or kill.
this is sth abt X tt i duno how to tel str in X's face.
i noe of a Z suffering cos of X's such behaviour.
dey often say a fren in need is a fren indeed.
but whr is X whenever i needed X d most?
i always get a reply from X when i msg X when im down onli after i have replied X's prev msg.
does d wurl go ard lik tt?
why does X have to be so calculating.
which brings me back to wonder and ponder over,
do true frens exist?
does X regard me s a fren?
is X a fren to me?
:(

sy. 7:51 PM

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Journey
It's a long long journey
Till I know where I'm supposed to be
It's a long long journey
And I don't know if I can believe
When shadows fall and block my eyes
I am lost and know that I must hide
It's a long long journey
Till I find my way home to you

Many days I've spent Drifting on through empty shores
Wondering what's my purpose
Wondering how to make me strong
I know I will falter I know I will cry
I know you'll be standing by my side
It's a long long journey
And I need to be close to you

Sometimes it feels no one understands
I don't even know why I do the things I do
When pride builds me up till I can't see my soul
Will you break down these walls and pull me through
Cause it's a long long journey
Till I feel that I am worth the price
You paid for me on Calvary
Beneath those stormy skies

When Satan mocks and friends turn to foes
It feels like everything is out to make me lose control
Cause it's a long long journey
Till I find my way home to you
To you

sy. 5:38 PM
prelims r coming to an end..
feel sad n empty, partly cos of knowing i wun mk it,
another is losing frens..
somehow ul find urself stranded in a forest during dis transition period.
do i even haf d right to live on?
im a good for nth, good in nothing person.
im sure d wurl wil b less burdened w/o me?
n probably vice versa.
"giving up"
these two words have never existed in my dictionary as much s it is making an impact noww.
m i making sense?
there r no perfections in anything.
but can there be ultimate flaws?
y m i d one??
i keep telling myself i wil emerge s a stronger person..
but isit rli true?
sighh.
i wna escape.
i wna noe whether i'd still haf a future.
im alreadyy robbed of my rights to live normally, to smile from my heart,
not even to love.
n i feel so so inferior.
im lik a loser.
im lik nothing.
i have no good traits.
i onli burden others.

sy. 3:00 PM